Burnout in 3..2..1..

Last fall I felt an urge to start documenting fun things that I did around the house; making food from scratch, household ingredients, dancing in my kitchen, and other things. It was so fun and I felt encouraged and inspired to share my heart. Feeling called to equip women who want to live a simple life.

When I say it was fun, I mean it was a lot of fun! I loved capturing the moments, writing encouraging notes, and making videos. My husband was such a support and was the first to like anything I posted (major cheerleader of a husband!). Things were rolling and my soul was blessed (cue my family rolling their eyes at how often I said this phrase growing up haha).

Then holy cow did the imposter syndrome set in. I mean it moved right on in with an 18-wheeler's worth of discouragement. My worth felt small and dwindling by the moment and I kept feeling like a fake. Even when deep down I felt like I was doing something right and cheering women on, I just kept feeling smaller by the day. 

With that constant feeling, as well as some pushy comments and algorithm failures, I found myself really stressed and wanting to pull back from it all. Brandon was such a gem and kept encouraging me to keep at it, yet I still pulled further and further away from this "hobby" that was becoming so fun and gaining momentum (slowly but definitely gaining). 

January comes along and our lives change, we find out we're expecting our first child! 

Now, this felt like a real reason to step back for a minute and re-gather my thoughts and dreams for this platform. I was starting to prepare to grow in pregnancy and oh, how I was excited to document it all and share the journey.

I even launched a small online community for women at the beginning of the year based on growing in scripture, cooking, and having a prayer group. Dreaming about sharing my pregnancy journey with them and learning from the other moms. The group of ladies became a huge blessing and continues to be such a gift. 

February arrives and we crash into a valley. 

Miscarriage.

From that point on nothing along the lines of "fun" or "hobby" mattered anymore to me. There was no joy and I couldn't find worth anywhere. 

So I got quiet and stayed quiet.

It is now May and I've finally admitted a few things:

1. Grief is hard and not something that is fixed overnight. 

2. My worth is not based on anything other than what The Lord says about me. 

3. I've been basing my worth on my performance. 

Technically I've known these things and have talked about them often with other people in their own journeys. These things are always easier to comprehend and give advice on when it's not related to you personally. Especially point number three; performance. This one is a real kicker for me and something I will continually have to surrender and grow out of. 

After breaking down the other day and realizing that I had reached a burnout before the rubber even hit the road, we knew there needed to be a change of heart and a renewing of the mind. 

Brandon challenged me to take a HUGE step back from everything (I was already dramatically away from everything, but needed to step back even more). Primarily reading my bible, journaling, and memorizing scripture. Diving into true identity as a child of God and relearning what it's like to live in freedom.

A moment that brought me to tears the other day was when Brandon and I were talking and he held the bible, looked at me, and said "You need to find yourself in here before anything else". I had never heard that before (maybe I had but never heard it before), it was such an eye-opening moment for me. 

It's not going to be an overnight fix or a two-week-only adjustment, this is definitely the start of a renewing quest for my mind, heart, and spirit. It's also a bit of a wake-up. I don't want to be where I am today in my heart when I become a mother again. I want to raise our children in freedom and full surrender to the Lord's plans and dreams. 

There's so much in life.  I want to grow and share with you all of the mountaintops and triumphs as well as the valleys and floods.

Burnout is real and it's tough. 

Don't feel discouraged if it happens before you've even started; chances are you've let too many outside voices jump in and defined yourself by those voices (that's the case for me). 

Lean into the Lord and take a step back. Remember the joy of what brought you there in the first place. 

I'm excited to write this at the beginning of my journey, I truly can't wait to see what is in store for this platform and to see the growth that will happen. 

If you too are dealing with burnout, join me. 

With love, 

Hannah