Real Talk - Performance

Photo by kevin laminto on Unsplash

Once upon a time, a girl was born in Texas. She lived and breathed everything Texas-related and was set on making her life permanent in the Lone Star State. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, that girl is me. 

I was the hippy girl who professionally danced, lived in the National Forest, and was filming weddings. I pretty much kept to myself and stayed close to my family. Any time I wasn't on a job, teaching, or filming, you could find me spending time at home with my parents and sisters. 

I figured since this is a place to share my journey of living in the light of Jesus, I would share more about myself and my story. 

That girl I mentioned earlier? She is living and THRIVING in Tennessee with her amazing husband. 

Okay, enough of the third-person talk, let's get real. 

In December (2022) I made one of the most dramatic decisions in my life. I got married and moved to Tennessee all in the same weekend. We can rewind a bit more to see the layout of how that happened, and lord was it a wild ride. 

Four months earlier in August I loaded up my car and drove from Texas to Michigan to film a wedding with the words from a friend saying "There's a pretty cool guy here who is single" repeating in my head. Having a pretty lame history with dating and having never been in a serious relationship before, I went into this with a very open mind. A very authentic open mind, or so I thought.

I was at a point in my heart where I needed the Lord to truly shake me up and literally move me. Performing was such a big part of my social life and became second nature to the point where I didn't even realize I was acting like someone else. There was a constant need to please my surrounding community, and maybe "please" isn't the word. I felt very much like if I didn't perform a certain way then people wouldn't be entertained with me, leading to the thoughts that I wouldn't be kept around.

So you can imagine how I felt going into a scenario where I was gonna meet this "cool guy". I committed to being my authentic self....which ended up being me performing and trying to make myself acceptable, scratch that, more desirable.  

I didn't necessarily have a fear of being rejected, because for some reason I knew that I could change characters and make myself adaptable. Although I'm sure there was a thread of that fear, it just wasn't the main factor. Deep down I felt that if I didn't feel like I was valued or accepted people would move on without me, leave me behind, abandon me. They'd be entertained, but wouldn't see long-term value.

SO MUCH RELIED on what I thought people thought, versus what the Lord thought of me. 

Now, the last thing I want this post to turn into is an emotional "ME" post. Let me interrupt now and say that things do not change if you just "quit worrying about what people think about you, what do you think about yourself?". That's a load of freaking BS. 

Because that same narrative and those same worries change perspectives and instead of it being an outward perspective it becomes self-centered/single-minded. How many of us truly have positive thoughts and narratives about ourselves with zero insecurity and can just hype up based on our own "what do you think about yourself?" thoughts? 

*crickets*

No one. 

Self-narratives can be tricky and mean most of the time. It takes discipline and training to build a positive narrative.

Okay, now that the crickets have joined us and we've gotten uncomfortable, let's keep going! 

Long story short this "pretty cool single guy" became my husband, and I'll share more on that story in another post! Let's keep chatting about performance. 

A snippet of our story is that somehow Brandon was able to look past my performance when we first met and see me for me before I even could. He'll say whenever we talk about this "The Lord opened my eyes and I was able to see past all of that". 

The Lord totally opened Brandon's eyes. 

The Lord totally gave him a butt load of grace. 

The Lord totally used Brandon to call me out.  

And when I say called out, I mean like the major uncomfortable conviction that leads to tears. I was trying my best to not perform, trying my best to be my authentic self, yet I was becoming even more weird. Changing my focus to not performing did the complete opposite of what I wanted it to do! Because now I was performing "Not Performing Hannah". 

Let me tell you, the only way to get out of this habit is to replace EVERYTHING with the Word of The Lord. Also, realize that this is not an overnight fix. You won't be able to just wake up one day and be like "Wow, I am my most authentic self, this is epic." If that worked then this post would be three sentences long and we'd go grab chips and salsa. So instead this is a bit longer, BUT we can still totally go grab chips and salsa.

The diligence in shifting this perspective and stepping into this authentic journey is to let what the Lord says about you be everything, and I mean everything. Your identity is in Him. Your authentic self is such a beautiful gift from the Lord. 

Lay down the version (or multiple versions) of yourself at the cross and accept that you are a child of God who was made to behold Him. That's all there is to it. 

Let me say again tho, this is not an overnight fix. Brandon still calls me out if I slip into "performance Hannah". There are many conversations where he helps me process why I went into performance mode, and for me, someone who takes AGES to process anything, those conversations are gold.  

After ages of processing and deep conversations, I've found a few key motives that put me into performance mode. Some of those for me were; 

- trying to maintain relationships I needed to let go of. 

- societal pressure to adapt and flow in every moment. 

- insecurities; which usually led to me isolating myself. 

Once I identified those, along with help from my husband and the Holy Spirit, I didn't feel quite as crazy or out there. Those are motives that I can readjust, reevaluate, and shift.

Maybe you've also dealt with performance and struggled to be authentic. Even when you fully believe you're not performing and you're in your "performing - not performing era", I encourage you to take some time and figure out what your motives for performance are. Maybe they're the same as mine.

If maintaining unnecessary relationships is one of yours then I'm here to encourage you to let go. True relationships will stick around and fight for authentic connection. Trust me, I know. That was one that involved lots of tears and surrender. I was so exhausted from putting on a certain face around certain people, that it eventually wiped me out.

Breaking the habit of performance is difficult, especially if you've grown up in the performing arts. Differentiating reality from performing can be difficult if there's no root to hold you down. And if that root is something shifty like people's perspectives or feeling desired by them, then you're in for a quick disappointment. 

That root needs to be The Lord.   

I encourage you to take some time to journal. Write down your core values and be authentic in them. Talk to your spouse, a true friend, or family. It can be messy and it can feel strange, but a 5% progress to being more authentic can feel so freaking good.

I don't think there will be a day where you'll wake up and be fully authentic, that'll happen once we've been called back to Heaven. But until then you can pursue a performance-free life, living true to your core values as a believer, resting in the Lord, and being a light. 

The lights are off and the show is over. 

You're a child of God who gets to reflect His glory and wonder.